1. Hair - Goths will have jet black or crappy, home-dyed hair. Nothing else explains their inner turmoil like dyed hair. Often times, Goths will become so non-conformist or burnt out on the image that they'll let their roots show. Warning: These Goths are the bitchiest.
2. Shallowness - Goths love white pancake makeup. They also love spending time on making makeup spider webs, blood trails, or some other stupid shit to express their devotion to the cause. Goths also love colored contact lenses. Everyone knows albino eyes rock! Seriously, though, for people who want to be known as Goths are the most shallow people I know, even more than their archenemy, "Preps."
3. Piercing and Lobe Stretching - This one's too easy. No one, and I mean no one, can defend it. It's just stupid.
4. Clothing - Black, silver accessories, or stupid neon-colored rave shit. Shops only at Hot Topic and Spencers.
5. Talking - Goths love death, dying, blood, vampires, paranormal, black, magic, depression, Anne Rice, cutting themselves, etc. stupid shit. Anyone you find talking about any the former or something similar will identify as at least accepting Goths, if not, more likely, identifying as one.
6. Entertainment/Hobbies - Raves, Anne Rice, Stephen King, Joy Division, Bauhaus, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Tibetan Book of the Dead (the band), cutting themselves, sitting in clusters, smoking, orgies, dying their muff, writing shitty poetry, drawing pictures of anguish and darkness, being "enlightened," not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks (except other Goths), being "non-conformist," parading at amusement parks just to see people's double takes (Forty bucks for just that. I've seen it more than once.), threatening suicide, inhabiting the Internet, writing stupid quizzes, and, most of all, leading shitty existences.
7. Likes/Hates - Likes everything Goth. Hates everything not Goth.
8. Types: All Goths fall in at least two of the categories.
Vampire Goth - Obsessed with Vampire: The Masquerade and Anne Rice. Either identifies self as an actual vampire or as a sanguarian. A sanguarian is a person who believes they actually need to drink blood to stay alive. I wonder how these dipshits made it through childhood in the first place.
